2015 Reflection Exercise

I found this Reflection Exercise on Mother Mag yesterday, and I thought it might be a healthy way to say goodbye to such a heavy year. If you're interested in participating, I'd love to read your take on 2015!

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What 2015 accomplishments am I most proud of?

Overcoming crazy nursing hardships by trusting my mama instincts and not giving up, being there for Edie's first steps and first words, giving up more unhealthy eating habits, sharing the hard stuff with you all with the hope it might make someone feel less alone.

What are some takeaways from those triumphs?

The best things often require the hardest work, I am stronger than I ever knew, I no longer matter to myself the way I once did because my babe matters so much more--and that is so freeing.

In which areas did I struggle most in 2015?

Postpartum depression/anxiety, lack of self care, and marriage.

Which of these difficult situations did I overcome? (Or work to overcome?)

I'm working on myself and my marriage through individual and couples counseling and lots of anti-anxiety exercises.

Which friends supported me most this year?

Nataley (always), Sam, Krystal, Tara, Cherry, my dad.

Which friendships changed and shifted?
All of them! Being a mama changes everything, but I also made new friends because I'm a mama.

What are some new skills that I learned?
Worked on continuing to develop my photo skills, and daily learning/adapting to motherhood as it changes all the time!

What are some things I’ve learned to accept about myself this year?
My body, for sure. Still working on accepting that I can't be a perfect mother and working through guilt.

Name 3-5 positive memory-making experiences from 2015.
1) Finally seeing Edie gain weight and nurse well after all of our hard work.
2) Maiedae Mixer--first night out by myself!
3) First La Leche meeting--realizing I had found my tribe and starting to feel okay that I didn't have it all together.

Name a couple of negative memory-making experiences.
1) Edie falling off the weight chart and all of the medical testing/fear/anxiety/tears/arguments that followed.
2) Hours of pumping for very little milk.

In which areas did I see the most personal growth and change?
Oh my. I think that was all this year was about. I've never felt so challenged. I've never felt so incapable and strong at the same time. I thought there was no way I could keep pushing forward so many times and then I'd wake up the next morning still here, doing it. I thought the guilt would swallow me whole and then Edie rolled over for the first time, crawled, stood up, walked, talked. She did it despite the fact that I was convinced I was failing. She changed every day and I changed with her.

What did I learn about myself in 2015?
I'm stronger than I ever knew and also so, so vulnerable.

What am I most grateful for in 2015?
Unconditional love and grace, from the Lord, from my daughter, and from my family.

What did I gain in 2015? What did I lose?
I gained confidence in my instincts. I gained a toddler and lost my baby. I lost quite a bit of weight. I lost my mental health, and my marriage almost followed. I gained a new support system through LLL and counseling.

What things do I want to leave behind in 2015?
Anxiety and fear. Apathy about my marriage.

Which things do I want to take with me into 2016?
Confidence, vulnerability, the desire to move forward and get better.