Sunday, May 10, 2015

A Letter to My Daughter on the Eve of My First Mother's Day

Sweet Eden,

It's the night before my first Mother's Day.  I'm more excited about tomorrow than I've ever been for any birthday, and I'm kind of a big dork when it comes to birthdays. (You'll learn that soon enough.)  Mother's Day, though--to be able to look at you and call myself your mommy--this is something else entirely. 

What was my life before you were here? I'm not convinced I was even born until the night I held you against me for the first time.  And every day since then you've shone a light into all the selfish parts of me and made me realize how empty living for those things was, and because of that you've been the answer to every prayer I've ever prayed. And it hasn't been easy--you're the toughest, best teacher, baby girl.

And you're learning, too. Every morning lately it's like you've picked up a new skill in your sleep. You wake and look up at me with your open-mouthed, still toothless grin, like, "Alright, Mama, let me show you something cool." And then you sit up/crawl/pull up like you've been doing it your whole life.  You're a master and I couldn't be more proud.

Tomorrow morning your daddy and I are dedicating you back to the Lord at church.  I can't express how intensely I appreciate Him trusting me to nurture your sweet soul and tiny body.  I have so many prayers for you in this season, before you're able to understand the world isn't all good.  I ask God to grow you up to be big and strong, not in physical size but in your sense of self and love for others, and most of all your worth and love in Him.

I'm so thankful for your birth and I think back on it often.  You were so squishy and your eyes were so small compared to the big brown almonds they are today.  More often I revisit my own birth as your mother, as six months in I'm still breathing through it in the most beautiful, clumsy labor dance.  You make me better every day.

 You made me a mother, Edie, the one thing I always dreamed I'd be. And it's so much better than I imagined. You're so much better.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I love you. Happy day to us.


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