NewlyWednesday: Kyle & Nataley

This week you get to hear from yours truly - N

10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married

1. It's only going to get harder if you make it hard

I was told several times that the first few years of marriage were the hardest. I do understand why people say that---you start living with a man ha jk-- It is an adjustment for sure but wasn't that hard to do especially when coming off a wedding bliss high. For me, there were and still are plenty of times that I make situations and conversations way harder than they need to be. These 'hard' times are almost 100% caused by our own selfishness getting in the way. When I think about Kyle's feelings and try and figure out what is going on in his brain---which sometimes I never do figure it out---I'm able to take a breath (say a prayer) and make a potential argument diffuse into a constructive conversation.

2. Figure out each other's love language

We are still in the process of defining our primary love languages but we have a pretty good idea. I've touched on the languages in a past post here. You need to know how your spouse most effectively feels love so that you can communicate it to them. I've learned that Kyle needs quality time together even if that means watching a movie together or spending that hour before bed to unwind together. This has been hard for me because my family is very intentional about family time and conversation. If we are together, we are talking pretty much constantly. I didn't even notice we did this until I started spending time with Kyle and his family watching movies or just being a little less talkative. I have been trying to put down my crochet hook or computer when this time is available and learn a new love language.

3. Intentionally be happy

I'm the queen of bad days and I've just recently made a realization that isn't a 'thing' Yes, things might not be going the exact way you planned but being in a bad mood will most definitely transfer to your spouse and can ruin a perfectly good time together---it only takes one person. 

4. Be supportive

I know this has been touched on by a lot of the girls but it is very important. There are several different ways to be supportive---talking highly of your spouse in and out of their presence, helping them achieve goals on small or large scales, intentionally learn about their interests, and be there at the end of the day regardless of the outcome. If there is a problem, it may not be best to try and figure out how to fix it--your spouse may just need your support to help carry them to find their own answer.

5. Play to your strengths and situations

When I say this I'm thinking of how Kyle is doing full time school and working close to full time hours. This is A LOT and he is doing it to better our future. So, that means I can get off my lazy behind and keep up the house and be in charge of the bills along with other things. Being in charge of the bills would naturally be one of Kyle's strengths but due to our current situation I took them over. I think strengths evolve with situations so it helps to be in constant communication about your roles.

6. Don't compare your relationship to others!

I think all of the girls have touched on this and I'm glad they did---it shows that we ALL struggle with this. I am very passionate about this point because I think our age group who are seriously dating, engaged and newly married have been influenced in several ways by the internet. With Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, blogs galore, the world is full of photos and status' to see and be envious of. Sometimes I don't even notice that I'm comparing or falling into envy until later it will trigger a feeling of discontentment or unhappiness in my marriage. Things can look pretty perfect in cyber space but don't be fooled! Everyone has situations that are less than perfect and I don't think "having it all together" really exists. I don't have an answer to this struggle but I have been trying to cut back on my social media usage along with altering my mind set and I've noticed a difference even in how I act with my hubby--primarily because I spend more quality time with him rather than my internet!

7. Be submissive

This is a hot topic because to a lot of the world the word submit has taken on a derogatory meaning. In the bible, to submit to your husband can be another opportunity to worship the Lord. 

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. -Ephesians 5:22-24

I'm not saying it's easy but joy and love come from being submissive to your husband. I've also noticed his respect for me only continues to grow when this happens.

8. Continually learn about each other

We all change and grow and have experiences that teach us things. I know I've changed since last week! How awesome is it to share these new things with your spouse. Which also means being open and aware of times to share these things. Take these new interests and fun ideas to your spouse first and keep some of them just between each other. I've witnessed many times when gals share every detail of their lives with a close girl friend or parent and their husbands get left out. I know both Kyle and I appreciate when we come to each other first and get to share in a special time together.

9. Take vacations

Life can get crazy and tiring---go on a vacation! I don't mean spend $3,000 going to Hawaii for a full week--unless you can because Hawaii is definitely on our bucket list. But going somewhere other than your house can give your marriage and life some rejuvenation. Don't take your computer, use your phone only when you need it and just be together. My parents always made sure we went on some sort of vacation as a family every year and I want to continue the tradition because I think it is important to have that time to create memories and learn new things about each other.

10. Don't be afraid to be goofy

Don't be self conscious with one another. No offense, but chances are you are both big dorks. Marriage is this awesome thing that allows you to be completely yourself with the love of your life-- have fun! If that means jamming out to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack or busting out in a wrestling match in your living room--so be it! (Is that weird?) 

---

I hope and pray these points about marriage do not overwhelm anyone but instead be a reminder that these things don't come naturally to everyone. Marriage takes effort and there is no perfect marriage model--we are all different people with unique personalities!

Love you guys

-N

NewlyWednesday: Kaitlyn & Jacob

          I'm so excited to introduce you to another sweet friend of mine--Kaitlyn! Kaitlyn and her husband Jacob host the young couples small group Daniel and I are in, and we just LOVE them.  Kaitlyn tells it like it is but does so with grace and love, and Jacob doesn't hide how much he adores her and values what she has to say.  I admire their relationship a lot.  AND they're expecting their first little one in a couple of months--eeek! 

---

10 Things I've Learned in Our First Year + of Marriage

1.Let your husband be the man. 

              I know we have all heard it many times that men require respect to feel loved. Feeling respected and like he is the head of the household will be a great motivator for him to show you the love you need in return. For some of us strong-willed independent ladies (myself included) this can be a learning experience. In the end we should trust and submit to our husband knowing that he is seeking God’s wisdom for your family.

           2.  Eat together. 

                 After the dating is over and the “real world” of marriage arrives you will have to start fixing meals at home. Preparing dinners together is our catching up time. This is usually when we share about our day and do a little venting, too. This is precious alone time before you have kids.

               3. Let him know you are praying for him. 

                 I pray for my husband several times a day. It is your duty as a Godly wife to consistently pray for your partner. I don’t do it often enough, but send him a text to let him know that you are approaching the throne on his behalf. If you aren’t praying for him, then who is?

               4. Love each other’s families. 

              When you join lives with another person, you also join their family. Accepting and understanding another family’s dynamic can be one of the most difficult parts of marriage. It is important to always have a loving and honoring heart toward your spouse’s family no matter how difficult it may be. They aren’t going anywhere ;)

                5. Have sex. 

                 I know this is not one that most of us need much convincing on! Marriage is possibly the most intimate decision you will ever make. Not just sexually. You are committing to live in the same place with the same person for the rest of your life on earth.  They will know things and see things, the deepest inside-your-soul type of things. A great way to share this intimacy is by having sex with your spouse.

               6. Be best friends. 

               Your spouse should be your favorite person to spend time with. I’m not saying that having friends is not important, it is. It is ok to have your girl friends, and he to have his guy time. But the time you spend together should be most valued. Pray for the Lord to give you couple friends. This way you can spend time together while cultivating relationships with others. It is helpful to have like-minded couples to do life with.

               7. Fight fair. 

         You will fight. We are humans, and as humans our occasional selfish responses cause us to conflict with our spouse. As a wife it is important to know that your words can make your husband feel disrespected, and in return his words can make you feel unloved. This is the vicious cycle of an argument. Again, for those of us that have stubborn personalities, being the first one to apologize can feel like drinking poison. But spending time praying for a spirit of gentleness is important, and being the first to concede is to be more like Christ.

             8. Pray for others. 

                Spend time praying for other married couples. This marriage thing is hard, and praying for God to bless other marriages is important. Marriages are dying all the time, so lets do what we can to help them thrive.

             9. Understand his love language. 

                 Find out what makes your spouse feel the most loved. Is he “words of affirmation” or maybe “physical touch?” Learn how to make his day--whether it’s a gift or just spending time talking. You are the person he comes home to everyday--let him know you missed him and are excited to see him.

        10. Exercise together. 

                    Find something active that you both like doing, and do it together. It’s fun and it makes you feel good to exercise. 

-Kaitlyn

---

Thank you all for the sweet responses to yesterday's post--I appreciate your encouragement and excitement for us very much!

-J

NewlyWednesday: Laura & Daniel

Today we have our second post in our NewlyWednesday series, and I'm so excited to share it with you! Laura has the sweetest heart and was one of the first to jump right into helping our Pennies and Rocks wedding campaign, and Daniel and I are forever thankful.  Speaking of Daniel--she's also married to one, so don't get confused. :)

Hey blogosphere! I’m Laura, and I’m married to my main squeeze, Daniel. I went to OBU with Jordan and Nataley, and I also had the privilege of donating some of my own wedding décor to Jordan for “A Wedding for Pennies and Rocks.” Such a neat project!

Daniel and I just celebrated a year and a half of marriage + a year in our neat 1920’s house on December 9th, so I’m no marriage expert. But I’m honored to be featured – shout out to Jordan and Nataley for trusting me to keep all this fame from going to my head. :)

10 Things Nobody Told Me About Being Married

1. Your families, while they may have similarities, are probably very different.

I am a true Southerner, born and bred. Daniel was born in the South, but his parents are both from the North – Wisconsin, to be exact! I grew up eating fried chicken; Daniel grew up eating brats and sauerkraut. I grew up saying “y’all;” he grew up saying “don’t ya know.” (Not really.) All kidding aside though, when you bring two people together from two different families, it requires a little A LOT of grace, a good sense of humor, and willingness to compromise. Daniel and I both had preconceived ideas about how to handle certain situations because of what our parents did. Most of the time, we both think “my way” is best because we’re already accustomed to it. But we are our own little family now! We are a blend of two families, figuring out through trial and error what works for us and our future kids. Sometimes we do stuff my family does. Sometimes we do stuff his family does. And sometimes (GASP) we do stuff that NEITHER family does.

2. It’s easy to stop learning about each other.

At the start of any friendship, learning about the other person is easy because there is so much to learn! You want to know everything about that person – their favorite food, the music they listen to, what they would do in case of a zombie apocalypse, etc. You don’t imagine that you could ever run out of things to talk about. But when you marry this person and settle into an everyday routine, it is just as easy to believe you’ve already learned pretty much everything there is to know. Um, NOPE! You will ALWAYS have more to learn! Don’t become too lazy to pursue your spouse. Ask new questions. And ask the old ones again, because the answers may have changed! I spent an entire year thinking that Daniel’s favorite candy was still Cookies and Cream Hershey’s bars, when, in fact, he had found a new love – Riesens. I would never have known if I hadn’t asked again!

3. You have to put the toilet seat down…every…day.

Seriously. I really think it’s every day. I am dreading the day that I walk in the bathroom in the middle of the night and forget, and just fall in. (Addendum – literally three days after I wrote this, I almost did. I barely caught my balance in time.) Overarching point: sometimes, they will drive you absolutely, positively, I-just-want-to-lie-facedown-on-the-floor crazy. But…*reality check*…you drive them crazy too.

4. Comparisons are dangerous.

I think all of us know that person. The girl who constantly posts via social media how much she loves her man, how her boo sent her fifteen bouquets of flowers this month, how they just built a new mansion, her engagement ring is 4 carats, and he bought her a car ‘for no reason.’ In those moments, you might start to think “My husband doesn’t ____. My husband isn’t ____. My husband won’t ____.” DANGER DANGER DANGER. Do not entertain those thoughts. Step away from the jealousy, sister. Social media only gives us one side of marriage: the side that is posted publically. Typically, the pretty is posted and not the ugly. Things might look great on the surface, but their marriage may be struggling behind the scenes. You just don’t know. So PLEASE don’t get sucked into comparing your marriage to someone else’s by using Facebook or Instagram as your measuring stick. Take time to remind yourself why YOUR guy is so great and why you fell in love with HIM.

(Side note – don’t go to the opposite extreme and start hating on someone else’s relationship just to make yourself feel better about your own. Let’s be classy, folks.)

5. SO MUCH comes down to expectations.

This is a big one, guys. I’m about to get super honest, so bear with me. Before I got married, my expectations about sex were super skewed. Media portrays it terribly – either it doesn’t matter at all, or it’s the only thing that matters. Either way, according to our confused culture, it’s this incredibly perfect euphoric experience. If you grew up in church, you probably did True Love Waits or something similar, and you heard over and over to save sex for marriage, save sex for marriage, SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE ALREADY. But they never really tell you why to save it, so you spend your whole life wondering and waiting. And then, you get married and go on a honeymoon, after wondering and waiting, and you finally realize WHY they tell you to wait. You wait because it ISN’T a perfect euphoric experience! But when you marry the right person, it’s okay that it isn’t. It’s okay that it’s awkward and funny, because you know that they love you. You know they care more about YOU than they care about themselves. You know that when you wake up the next morning, they will still be there.

This is just one example of many, but my point is that expectations can change everything. Talk about them together. How often should the laundry be done? What kinds of things should you buy together and what things are a waste of money? Not everyone has the same opinion or upbringing as you. Make sure that your expectations – about kids, about the future, about who is ‘supposed’ to take out the trash – are realistic. If you don’t talk about them, at least one of you will spend a good part of your marriage either frustrated or disappointed because something didn’t live up to his or her expectations.

6. Sharing is caring.

This sounds silly, but I truly didn’t realize how much I would be sharing when I got married! Yet another reason to make sure you marry the right person: you share everything but your toothbrush. It took some adjusting for me! I spent my whole life using my money, spending my time hanging out with my friends and driving my car, and basically doing whatever I wanted. When you join forces, “my” becomes “our.” We don’t just share kisses and information anymore. We share a mailbox. We share a refrigerator. We share a bed. Good grief, we spent what seemed like 17 years kicking each other every night and fighting for covers before we finally figured out how to share our bed. HA! Being married means lots of sacrifice. I’m guessing the only thing that will require even more sacrifice is having kids.

7. Don’t forget to appreciate the little things.

People always say this, but there’s a reason they say it. It’s because IT’S TRUE. Real life isn’t full of extravagant trips and fancy dinners. Sure, those things are nice occasionally, but when you only have two weeks of vacation a year and you have bills to pay (which is…hmmm…all of us?), you can’t afford to do stuff like that all the time. That’s where appreciating the little things comes in. For example: Daniel brought me a Dove chocolate bar today for no reason. I put his towel in the dryer so it’s warm when he gets out of the shower. He cleans the stovetop (a job I absolutely HATE). I make his favorite food for supper. Little things can be just as meaningful when you do them out of love. Train yourself to watch for those moments and thank your spouse for his or her thoughtfulness!

8. Marriage is fun!!

Whenever Daniel and I were engaged, I remember hearing “Marriage is hard work” a lot. Every married person I talked to said it. Only a few told me that being married was genuinely fun. Don’t get me wrong – it is hard work. But it’s also GOOD hard work, and it truly is fun! You create inside jokes that no one else gets. You can travel to all sorts of places with your best friend by your side. You know exactly how to cheer each other up and make each other laugh. (I get SO much joy from making Daniel really laugh.) You can be silly and weird, singing in your ugly voice and dancing around the house in your underwear like an idiot with no fear of judgment. You guys…….I’m telling you. It is so. much. fun.

9. You really don’t have to be miserable unless you want to be.

Every day, we are presented with the same choice: to walk in joy or in bitterness. Regardless of your circumstances, you can choose to have joy and be thankful for what you have. I know couples who have experienced things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – debilitating cancer, children dying, and declaring bankruptcy, to name a few. The reality is that awful things happen, but our reactions (good or bad) speak volumes to our spouses and to the other people around us. It’s just another way to imitate Jesus through your actions, really. When you have a terrible day and you drive home to an unmade bed and a dirty kitchen, praise God that you have a husband to cook and clean for. When you’re irritated because supper is getting cold and your husband still isn’t home from work, praise God that he has a job to help provide for your family. Managing to keep a good attitude in the midst of a frustrating situation is hard, but it can make a world of difference.

10. Sometimes, YOU are the one who needs to change.

I know you grew up doing things a certain way. I know that your way is “the best way.” But…can I be blunt? Sometimes, it isn’t. Believe me, I’m speaking this to myself too. It’s okay for someone else to be right sometimes. If you’re like me, you have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong. If Daniel and I argue about something, I’m more likely to dig my heels in and wait for him to apologize first. But honestly? That is incredibly NOT like Jesus. If my goal during marriage is to be right more or to win more arguments, I’ve already lost. Sometimes, you are the one who needs to change, not your spouse. I pray often that God will make me a godly wife. Lately, I’ve been in a season where God is pointing out a lot of things He wants to chisel out of me, and one of those things is selfishness. I’ve never used the word ‘servant’ to describe myself, but I want to. And the more I listen to God’s voice and allow Him to change my heart, the more I become like Him.

---

Thank you for sharing so much wisdom with us, Laura! :)

-J