This week you get to hear from yours truly - N
10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married
10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married
1. It's only going to get harder if you make it hard
I was told several times that the first few years of marriage were the hardest. I do understand why people say that---you start living with a man ha jk-- It is an adjustment for sure but wasn't that hard to do especially when coming off a wedding bliss high. For me, there were and still are plenty of times that I make situations and conversations way harder than they need to be. These 'hard' times are almost 100% caused by our own selfishness getting in the way. When I think about Kyle's feelings and try and figure out what is going on in his brain---which sometimes I never do figure it out---I'm able to take a breath (say a prayer) and make a potential argument diffuse into a constructive conversation.
2. Figure out each other's love language
We are still in the process of defining our primary love languages but we have a pretty good idea. I've touched on the languages in a past post here. You need to know how your spouse most effectively feels love so that you can communicate it to them. I've learned that Kyle needs quality time together even if that means watching a movie together or spending that hour before bed to unwind together. This has been hard for me because my family is very intentional about family time and conversation. If we are together, we are talking pretty much constantly. I didn't even notice we did this until I started spending time with Kyle and his family watching movies or just being a little less talkative. I have been trying to put down my crochet hook or computer when this time is available and learn a new love language.
3. Intentionally be happy
I'm the queen of bad days and I've just recently made a realization that isn't a 'thing' Yes, things might not be going the exact way you planned but being in a bad mood will most definitely transfer to your spouse and can ruin a perfectly good time together---it only takes one person.
I know this has been touched on by a lot of the girls but it is very important. There are several different ways to be supportive---talking highly of your spouse in and out of their presence, helping them achieve goals on small or large scales, intentionally learn about their interests, and be there at the end of the day regardless of the outcome. If there is a problem, it may not be best to try and figure out how to fix it--your spouse may just need your support to help carry them to find their own answer.
When I say this I'm thinking of how Kyle is doing full time school and working close to full time hours. This is A LOT and he is doing it to better our future. So, that means I can get off my lazy behind and keep up the house and be in charge of the bills along with other things. Being in charge of the bills would naturally be one of Kyle's strengths but due to our current situation I took them over. I think strengths evolve with situations so it helps to be in constant communication about your roles.
6. Don't compare your relationship to others!
I think all of the girls have touched on this and I'm glad they did---it shows that we ALL struggle with this. I am very passionate about this point because I think our age group who are seriously dating, engaged and newly married have been influenced in several ways by the internet. With Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, blogs galore, the world is full of photos and status' to see and be envious of. Sometimes I don't even notice that I'm comparing or falling into envy until later it will trigger a feeling of discontentment or unhappiness in my marriage. Things can look pretty perfect in cyber space but don't be fooled! Everyone has situations that are less than perfect and I don't think "having it all together" really exists. I don't have an answer to this struggle but I have been trying to cut back on my social media usage along with altering my mind set and I've noticed a difference even in how I act with my hubby--primarily because I spend more quality time with him rather than my internet!
7. Be submissive
This is a hot topic because to a lot of the world the word submit has taken on a derogatory meaning. In the bible, to submit to your husband can be another opportunity to worship the Lord.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. -Ephesians 5:22-24
I'm not saying it's easy but joy and love come from being submissive to your husband. I've also noticed his respect for me only continues to grow when this happens.
8. Continually learn about each other
We all change and grow and have experiences that teach us things. I know I've changed since last week! How awesome is it to share these new things with your spouse. Which also means being open and aware of times to share these things. Take these new interests and fun ideas to your spouse first and keep some of them just between each other. I've witnessed many times when gals share every detail of their lives with a close girl friend or parent and their husbands get left out. I know both Kyle and I appreciate when we come to each other first and get to share in a special time together.
9. Take vacations
Life can get crazy and tiring---go on a vacation! I don't mean spend $3,000 going to Hawaii for a full week--unless you can because Hawaii is definitely on our bucket list. But going somewhere other than your house can give your marriage and life some rejuvenation. Don't take your computer, use your phone only when you need it and just be together. My parents always made sure we went on some sort of vacation as a family every year and I want to continue the tradition because I think it is important to have that time to create memories and learn new things about each other.
10. Don't be afraid to be goofy
Don't be self conscious with one another. No offense, but chances are you are both big dorks. Marriage is this awesome thing that allows you to be completely yourself with the love of your life-- have fun! If that means jamming out to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack or busting out in a wrestling match in your living room--so be it! (Is that weird?)
I hope and pray these points about marriage do not overwhelm anyone but instead be a reminder that these things don't come naturally to everyone. Marriage takes effort and there is no perfect marriage model--we are all different people with unique personalities!
Love you guys