...Unless you're me, who feels the need to share these little gems with you with the hope you'll feel okay being absolutely insane right before you meet your little one! :)
Six Things You Might Hear Yourself Say During Labor
Midwife: We know you aren't quite there yet because you're still in good spirits and there haven't been any curse words yelled at us.
Daniel: I don't think that's going to happen--Jordan doesn't curse. That would be pretty hilarious.
Me: Yeah my plan is to try to stay calm and relaxed through this whole thing.
(...a few hours later...)
Me: Cut this baby out of me! I don't care! Cut her out! I know I said no C-section in my birth plan but F*** THE BIRTH PLAN!
Midwife: There it is! (Laughter) Now we're getting somewhere.
Me: I think I'm pooping! I pooped! I pooped, didn't I?
Midwife: No, you didn't poop, Jordan. Keep pushing.
(After a very long push during which I guess I held a low Tarzan-sounding note the whole time...)
Daniel: Wow. She could be the "GOOOOOOOOOOAL" guy for men's soccer.
Me: That time I definitely pooped! I pooped, right?
Midwife: Nope, still no poop.
Me: Oh no! She's coming out of my butt! Something is wrong--she took a wrong turn somewhere!
(I'm squatting beside the bed pushing Edie to crown...)
Midwife: Do you want something to support your knees? That sounds painful...
(something about hitting my shins on the wooden bedframe between pushes...)
Me: What? No, shut up. I don't know what you're saying. I don't feel anything.
(I start pushing again. I did have bruises the next day.)
Sigh. Isn't birth beautiful? :)