The past two mornings I've woken up hoping the news we received Tuesday was some sort of ridiculous pregnancy nightmare. I've been slow to start my day once I realize it wasn't. I've gone back and forth on feeling unbearably anxious for our appointment next week, because I don't know whether to be excited for the possibility of better news or terrified of knowing more details. If it's good, it'll be SO. GOOD. If it's bad, we can't un-know it.
I feel older than I did at the beginning of the week. Somehow I went from crying like a little girl over our gender reveal party needing to be rescheduled to feeling sick in fear for my child's life in the span of a few hours. I've gone from planning an all natural birth somewhere I'd feel most comfortable so I don't have to have surgery to saying an unquestionable yes to whenever we need to schedule a c section for the safety of my babe. I've wept more and more intensely for someone else than I ever have before, although I know much of my sorrow is still selfish. I know I'm weeping for myself, as well.
I had a family with a little one scheduled for photos yesterday morning. I woke up and began sobbing moments later. I talked myself in and out of canceling over the next few hours, but ended up putting my glasses on over my swollen eyes and getting in my car.
I'm so glad I did, because the couple was so encouraging (she asked me when I was due and I got pretty choked up and eventually explained the situation. She was so sincere in saying they'd be praying for us) and the baby boy was just so cute--the Lord showed me I didn't need to resent mommies with healthy babies before I even had the chance to do so. No, I didn't ask for this trial, but neither did they, and I wouldn't wish this fear and confusion upon anyone.
To those of you who have gone out of your way to reach out to me--thank you. Thank you to those who are praying--I promise we can feel it. I am not the most optimistic person, but I feel the possibility of a miracle in all of this and I know it's because of your prayers.
Several of you have told me stories of children you know who were born with defects similar to what I described. We're less sure of the specific details on what they believe our babe might have than we were on Tuesday--our midwife sent our ultrasound to another doctor to look it over and he thinks it might be something other than what the first doctor suspected. Both of them believe it could be in the family of what I described in my last post, but there are two major types of defect with those traits that can have very different outcomes if the issue is paired with other abnormalities.
There are a lot of unknowns we are hoping to clear up at our appointment next week, but we're still praying for a miracle. If the readings aren't wrong, we're praying for this birth defect to be an isolated issue and for wisdom for the surgeons who will have their hands on our child. We're praying that the Lord will guide us in becoming the best mommy and daddy to this child, whatever needs he or she brings our way after birth. Please keep praying with us, friends.
-J
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